The Cacophonous School Board Meeting, a Short-Story
Acknowledgments: for my right wing school board mom friends
“Rape murder! It’s just a shot away!—” The Rolling Stones, “Give Me Shelter”
“After the Ball,” —Ramon Casas, maybe my favorite painting of his
The Cacophonous School Board Meeting
By Jay Burkett
Over my dead mutilated body,
Was Meredith Churchspire’s happy morbid celestial thought.
“The Fraulein” had as many morbid thoughts relating to them as the opposition had about her. All the progressive soccer moms called her “The Fraulein” behind her back, not even because of how right wing she was or intense or hardworking but how she fit the Aryan German Nazi mold to a T or a P or an S, aesthetically; and she probably was German, maybe very German, like German-German!
But she didn’t know what the hell she was. She didn’t care. She was too busy to care. She was white, she was a woman, and she was American. That was all anyone had to know. People were just jealous she was a wealthy mom with a Master’s in Education. Or that she won every single argument or it was how good looking she and her kids and her whole family and even her dog were, how valiantly her husband Scott had to duel all his horny secretaries and cocktail waitresses at work, some days shooting them dead in the head!
Mrs. Churchspire was one of those pretty little pointy svelte petite things such that feminine whiny high-strung liberal Democrat men in these meetings had pointedly perverse twisted fantasies of “hate-fucking” her. Liberals had no idea how to lay down and have fun and just die. They were intolerant in their tolerance. They had no idea what fun we conservatives took in sadism. Judging other people. Elevating practical consequences way above the perceived virtue of good intentions. Lacking in empathy and not hating yourself. Or overthinking anything. Meredith was down in touch with her instincts. She didn’t second guess any decision she ever made.
She was always down for a good rumble and a ramble in the hills on a farm (or a job application) she descended from in Alaska. Baked Alaska.
She was intense for a little blonde middle-aged dame like baked Alaska as she looked like she could only be a housewife but she wasn’t. When she looked at you in the dead heat of an argument, it was like getting mauled in the face with snowballs made of sheer clear ice. Her eyes were as deeply lightly blue as her hair was a stony beachy peachy blonde; but they were like fire and ice at once fatally combining to melt and freeze your self-respect to pieces dancing on your grave they dug for you…
These woke parents—did they really?—were suggesting they have a guest speaker come one day to discuss pedophilia with children in kindergarten at Turkey Neck Hill! They called pedophilia in woke-o-lese “Minor Attracted Persons” now. Like being sexually attracted to children was as A-OK as being attracted to your own sex or a car, and as American as Apple Pie or thunderclouds precipitating the election result of the person and the party you detested.
It was the same thing.
Next would be necrophiles who would be christened, “Dead Body Attracted Persons,” and I guess they’ll argue Murder is Great too or it’s good it’s decent it’s democratic diverse and inclusive and very egalitarian and nice.
Next they’ll say Cannibalism is Great.
And beastiality— and you’ll be losing your job and not being able to get into school if you don’t ritualistically celebrate people who identify as murderers and necrophiles and cannibals. They’ll scream from the rooftops their favorite minority even superior to black and Palestinian people is someone who’s a gay trans murderer and a cannibal, who was also sexually attracted to animals who has gay and trans sex with corpses before feasting on them and live-streaming it, and if you didn’t not just accept but affirm as much as you fucking could the legitimacy of such identity groups especially this one your life was over you face ostracization taxes job loss unemployment forever, regulation death threats and death and your kids being confiscated and transformed into federal property and sold off to the highest bidding sex traffickers and divorce.
They’ll call cannibals “Man-Eating Persons.” They’ll call bestiality people “Animal Attracted Persons.” And command you to celebrate all day long a guy who rapes a poodle and kills it and eats it, and they’ll kill you if you object to that. They’ll say Rapists are great too. And child porn of course. Goes without saying. Rapists were just people who couldn’t help themselves, and men were disproportionately rapists they’ll say in our celebration of rapists we needed not to overlook female rapists or those who identified as female and nonbinary rapists too.
Meredith Churchspire some days wanted to say you guys are lucky I don’t just snap. It wasn’t that these meetings didn’t end every single time every day in barroom brawls with the guys full-on breaking chairs over people’s backs and throwing people over bars to smash bar room mirrors and taking bottles and cracking them over people’s heads, and women biting and scratching.
Oh wait sorry not women, nonmen persons.
Sorry.
“You’re not gonna make my kids trans damnit!” Merideth said “the next thing you’ll demand is affirmative action for mass shooters and raising taxes on good looking people for being good looking.” As she dully smacked and slapped in the face some woke mom with her tennis shoe.
“You’re lucky if you don’t make me a mass trans shooter of trans people myself! You liberals you’re fucked up. You hear me? You’re fucked up. Nicknaming me The Fraulein when you’re the Jew-haters you Palestinian fetishists. Do you have like a dildo made of Palestinian flesh? I bet when you watch what’s happening in Gaza you touch yourself at the chance to blame a Jew for something. Palestinian fetishism should be like a porn category unto itself. With videos of Islamists lighting themselves on fire and killing Jews. Very erotic. That would hit the spot right? Am I making you wet down there? Islamists, brown people of any description, Jew-killing. Ah you’re almost putting Hitler to shame with how you think you’re actually the good guys. My kids are boys and girls. I am a woman ok? Right is not wrong. There are men and women. Gay straight bi and trans I guess. But, I don’t see how you can say pedophilia is ok without saying the molestation and abuse of children and rape and murder is ok too. Let alone that it’s— like—Good. What makes murder wrong to you people I have to wonder in your blanket contempt for individual freedom? Do you even know that? Is having sex with children not equal to the murder of their innocence which is tantamount to child murder—it’s fucking rape! Rape is wrong right? Can’t we agree on that at least? But maybe you endorse rapists and rape now and you decided that supporting rape victims who are largely women is privileged I guess especially when women are inferior to trans people in your moral lexicon so rapists are better people than rape victims. You’re nuts!”
“The Fraulein” smacked a petulant whiny self-loathing liberal man with a tennis racquet in the dick.
“Fascist!”